The Take-Off.

I mentioned earlier this year that I wanted this to be my airport year, to bravely march into the unknown world, stop being perpetually stuck in plain contentedness and stop settling for normalcy. So this year, I bought a plane ticket, traveled on my own and realized my own abilities to adapt, made wonderful friends from all corners of the world, threw myself into completely new environments (from the rural French township of Jonquiere to the bright lights of Paris), found a clearer idea of who I want to be and what I want to be doing in ten years, and dipped a hesitant toe into the icy cold waters of journalism. In this time, I've lost some important people in my life, learned from some unlikely people, and realized who my real friends are.
And so, without further ado,

What I've Learned About Myself (and really, life) This Year
- I'm terrible at keeping a balance in my life. Unless all aspects of my life are going well, than nothing is, and this is often due to a skewed mindset. I will go long stretches of time getting 12 hours of sleep and napping all the time, and then I'll quickly snap into a rigorous routine where I'm out the door at 7 AM and come back home at 10:00. It's very inconsistent and something I need to work.
- Sometimes, at the most unlikely moments, there simply isn't any room to be afraid or worry and it's important to just keep moving.
- Often, it takes one very drastic (but calculated) risk or action before the rest of the details line up. You can go on telling yourself you'll do something, or wait around for people to catch up, but it doesn't amount to anything until you finally push yourself off.
- It's remarkably easy for me to immediate put up a cold, "I'm better than you" front when threatened or insecure. This is alienated me from a lot of people, or it has set me up to be a completely different person than I am, which pigeonholes me into a character that will inevitably disappoint.
- I drink way, way, way too much coffee. Five cups a day should not be a consistent norm, and it has been in the past four months for me. I also don't drink enough water or milk.
- I bypass many of the larger problems in my life and instead target a lot of petty inconsequential things like appearance and weight.
- I need to give myself more credit for a lot of things. I'm a more genuine person than I think I am, and the self-delusional "Oh I can't do this, I'm a terrible person, I hate everything" is easily turned into an excuse to not go for what I want. At the same time, I also need to trust myself to know to stop when I should.
- I am terrified of a whitebread suburban lifestyle. It obviously works for a lot of people, but not for me. Hell comes in the form of a mini-van and a white picket fence.

So that's the sum-up. And this year?

2010 Resolutions:
- Quit soul-sucking job, attempt to find job where I will engage with real human beings who have no chance to hang up on me.
- Do not spend more than $350 a month.
- NO MORE BEER.
- Drastic, but calculated decisions.
- Only go to bars once a week (Karaoke, Tuesday nights, Peel Pub)
- Use time that would have been spent at soul-sucking time cooking dinner for self
- Blog once every two weeks.
- Find a balance. And an internship.

Manageable?

Hopefully. Have a good year, everyone.

Sorry sorry sorry!
New update soon, get excited everyone.

I wish to document my happiness.

The following are songs for rainy fall nights when you're crossing Square St-Louis and the fountains are still running, with the waistbelt clinched tightly on your trench coat, umbrella tilted forward slightly, wet leaves collecting under the sopping hem of your sweatpants, the taste of chai tea and buttered raisin bread still lingering on your tongue.*

10) Try - Asher Book
9) S'Wonderful - Audrey Hepburn/Fred Astaire
8) Solitude - Duke Ellington
7) But Not For Me - Judy Garland
6) Every Little Thing - Melanie Doane
5) Our Love Is Here To Stay - Billie Holiday
4) Dream A Little Dream Of Me - Ella Fitzgerald ft/ Louis Armstrong
3) Once I Loved - Damien Rice ft/Lisa Hannigan
2) Till There Was You - The Beatles
1) Overs - Simon and Garfunkel




*I'd like to give the person who coined the phrase "Happiness is remembered, not experienced" a run for his money.

Baking BONANZA.

The first week of school is a beautiful thing. This semester, my day begins with an 8:45 French class and goes straight on until 5:30: three classes, breaks for lunch and gym, and sometimes work afterwards. And of course, on top of classes, and the energy spent navigating through the campus between classes, the social pressures begin to sink in as well - "Oh my god, I haven't seen you in four months, coffee after class?", "I'm moving again, come to my housewarming party!", "Everybody's back, let's resurrect [lunch at popular diner/Wine Club/Croissant breaks/etc.]!".
However, good or bad, school or social life,
stress is still stress.

And when I am stressed, I instinctively grab some butter, sugar, and flour and eggs. With a bowl resting in one hand and a spatula in the other, I can whip away my problems and instantly return to the happy world (that now exclusively exists in my head) where deadlines and due dates don't exist. I recall everal nights last year where, when legs of my desk were cracking under the weight of articles, textbooks, random notes and papers, and a dangerously loaded laptop, comfort could be found in the smell of cinnamon cookies at 3 AM, fresh from the oven. However, the first few weeks of school do not allow even the briefest of escapes, not even for 15 minute peanut butter cookies, and so as the stress mounted and mounted, with it grew the urgency to bake.

This weekend, I went to my friend's apartment and spent two days and $60 worth of groceries to make meringues, tarts, two varieties of cupcakes, a chocolate valentino cake, ratatouille, creme brulee, milan cookies, and vanilla ice cream.

To put all of this in perspective, over the course of this baking spree, we used two blocks (8 sticks) of butter, two cartons (24) of eggs, almost an entire bag of flour, and enough sugar to send anyone into a diabetic coma.



However, to de-stress was the plan, and de-stress we did! Who knew that scurrying around the kitchen near very hot stoves and ovens for hours on end was just what we needed after the dreaded first week of school?
We also have enough cupcakes to give us the sugar-boost anytime cupcake therapy is needed over the course of the next week (although knowing her roommates, maybe not...).




At the end of each day, we set the table, asked one of the boys to make a run for chicken or wine, put on some jazz, and all sat down, family-style, to indulge in our creations.
And, really, at the end of any day, food and friends are what you ever really need.



As the great Julia Child would say, Bon appetite!

My love, it'll be (Just Like) Starting Over

Along with a long line of different ways to use maple syrup, there's this tradition in Quebec where people fill tiny ice cream cones with dark maple and top it off with sucre à la crème. These are sold pretty much everywhere you can find food, all year round - in farmer's markets, corner stores, grocery stores, etc. Last Sunday (like every Sunday), my friend and I went to Jean Talon Market and bought some. I just finished my first cornet and am now replete with maple-fueled ecstasy.
So this is my life in Montreal.

I have been up since about 10:30, have had one cup of coffee, and am seriously deliberating with myself whether or not I want another before I head to school to run some pre-semester errands (buy gym pass - on credit, thank you- as well as figure out some OHIP form thing).

I feel almost back to normal now.

I hate people.

Every time I'm in Toronto for an extended period of time, say, over three weeks, I begin to go stir-crazy. And as I type this, I do feel a pang of guilt - it's nice being close to my family again, and having the modern conveniences of a toaster oven (in my apartment in Montreal, the oven works well enough to not necessitate a smaller version), television, the piano, and counter space. But at the same time, while in Montreal I don't get the experience the bliss of reclining in a comfy armchair watching Stephen Colbert, cup of tea in hand while the rest of my family is asleep, I have found myself going slightly stir crazy here. Perhaps because in Montreal, I am walking distance within EVERYTHING, and it always seems worth the trek, or because I know that just a few streets away, my similarly unemployed and broke friends are always up for sitting around talking.
I am stressing that there is nothing here to stress out about.
How did I used to do it, all those summers ago when I was in my mid-teens and never had to worry about things like jobs, when if somebody blew me off for the day, I would be content to sit inside and watch terrible day-time television for hours on end? In the past two weeks, I have formed an all-too-intimate relationship with Regis and Kelly that I would prefer to break off as soon as possible.


I actually think this town is making me a more awful person. Impatient, bitter, mean, FATTER BY THE HOUR, and just way more insecure and self-loathsome. I attribute it to the general atmosphere, the hours spent cooped up at home being less than productive...

Sorry, guys. This is my wallow post.

But the next time I write I will be back in Montreal, so hopefully I will be a much easier person to deal with then.

Cleanse.

So I went out last night to the Taste of the Danforth and ate five pierogis, a lamb gyro, and an entire funnel cake.
Today, I decided to take a Leek Cleanse and eat nothing but leeks and leek broth.

I kind of want to take a baby cow, slaughter it, and just take a bite out of its raw thigh, fur and all.
I could also settle for a Big Mac.

BUT I CAAAAAAAAAAN'T.